Clandestine
by GhostFrappe
Summary: The sequel to Sordid Secrets. Donatello chooses to confide his deep, dark secret in Leonardo. But, how does Leo deal with this news? From Leo's POV, and also probably OOC. Rated for language. Chapters 3 and 4 are up.
1. Chapter 1: Instant Heartbreak

**Clandestine**

_Chapter 1: Instant Heartbreak_

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"It's Raph."

I sat and stared at him. His eyes were so full of fear and pain – I'd never seen him like this. It was way too apparent that keeping this love of his cloak-and-dagger was tearing him apart from the inside out, and that he was scared to death of admitting to it. It's not that I was shocked to find out he was gay – I think all four of us fancy the touch of a male. And I admit I even wasn't that shocked to find out he was in love with one of his brethren; think about it – we've been stuck together for over a decade and a half with no contact with women…except for April, but she didn't have any interest in us beyond our friendship. We're all teens with raging hormones and we were all seeking some sort of release from someone. But what did shock me was that he fell in love with Raphael. What the hell was there to love about that egotistical asshole? Of the three of us, I most expected Donny to pursue Mikey – those two seem to be more alike than Donny and Raph.

My brother muttering those two words just made something rise up and grapple my heart. I felt a physical pain in my chest, as if a large part of me had been lost. And I say I felt this way because I loved Donny. I'd been in love with him for years, but I hadn't the guts to tell him because succumbing to my emotions would show weakness on my part, and a good leader cannot be weak. I also trust Donny with many things that I wouldn't want to have him abandon because he's ill at ease around me.

It hurt me to know the one I loved wanted to be with someone else, but his soul was shattering right before my eyes as he poured his feelings out to me. I couldn't possibly add to his emotional distress by telling him I wanted to be with him – it would have driven him beyond insanity. I did my best to console him, and to reassure him that his feelings were not wrong; as I held him in an embrace and let him cry his sorrows away, he had no idea I was quietly weeping. The pain in my heart was unbearable – worse than any injury I'd ever sustained in battle.

Once Donny seemed more calmed down, I left him to get some rest. I immediately went to my own bedroom and buried my face in my pillow. For hours, I simply lay with my fists and teeth clenched, forcing myself not to cry. If I allowed myself to submit to this weakness, there was no guarantee I would not yield to other weaknesses. But I realized my heart had a limit, and I was pushed past them that night. I reached a point where I broke down, and I sobbed violently; I never knew wanting someone could hurt this badly. Not only was I upset over the dreadful pain in my heart, but I felt like a weakling, having submitted to my heartbreak.

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**_Author's Note:_** Yes, it was very, very short. But trust me when I say future chapters will be longer. But yeah...oh, the webs love weaves. 


	2. Chapter 2: Sensei

**Clandestine**

Chapter 2: Sensei

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My brother asked me with all his heart to not reveal his dirty secret to Raphael. Part of me so badly wanted to spill the beans to Raph in hopes of scaring him off, and possibly having Donny fall back into my arms, looking for comfort. But I knew revealing his secret would cause him far more pain than comfort, and as much as I spurned this love Donny felt for our brother, I wanted to do what was best for Donny. Goddamn you, Raph – not only do you make me want to strangle you, but you've stolen the heart of the one whom I so deeply love. I hate you.

Apparently, Donny did get around to telling Raph his feelings, and…Raph loved Donny back? Fuckers – they think they're being so damn secretive about their relationship. They act like I don't hear them making out and having sex through my wall. It makes me see red to think that the one who I hate the most in my life is bringing such joy to the one whom I'm in love with. My fuse became a whole lot shorter with Raph, and our arguments almost always ended in physical violence. It reached a point where I fantasized about killing that piece of shit; part of me wondered if he knew how I felt about Donny and insisted on loud, brutal sex just to rub it in my face that he was making the one I love scream out his name instead of mine.

The change in my temper became pretty apparent. I started brutally murdering criminals rather than just knocking them around and scaring them off. I was frantic to take my anger out on someone, and since I didn't want to start more shit with Raph than I had to, I took to shredding criminals into ribbons. This went on for about a week…until Sensei noticed my weapons and my body covered in the blood of those whom I'd killed. He called me into his room to speak to me.

"I am very disappointed in you, Leonardo. I did not teach you to kill people, even if they have committed crimes."

_Pff _– when wasn't Sensei disappointed in me? "I'm sorry, Master", I mumbled rather apathetically.

I remained knelt with my head bowed. I felt Sensei's paw atop my head. "I know you have been very angry lately, Leonardo, and I do not know why."

"It's nothing to be concerned about, Master. I'll stop being this way if it's what you wish."

"I do not like seeing any of my sons distressed, but one cannot simply stop being angry, my son. You need to face what is troubling you."

I knew he'd say that. "Master Splinter…I want to take your advice. But, I fear that facing what troubles me may cause someone else suffering – someone whom I care very much about."

Sensei was quiet for a moment. "Then, my son, I can only tell you that you must decide if you would rather deal with your troubles and hurt someone, or ignore your troubles and continue hurting many."

I looked up at him; he seemed neither disappointed nor angry with me. Oh Sensei, I so wish I could tell you exactly what was troubling me – but how could you possibly see me as the same leader son if you knew I was in love with one of my brothers?

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With a sigh, I bowed to Sensei and got up to go back to my room. Before I reached the door, Sensei said something, while never moving from his chair. "Are you upset over your brothers, my son?"

Wha? I stopped and turned around, and made my way back to Sensei. "What do you mean, Master?"

Sensei's voice was a little sterner than before. "Leonardo, I was not born yesterday. Despite what Raphael and Donatello think, I am aware of what's going on between them."

My face paled, and I became wholly confused. "…does it bother you that they are being that way?"

Sensei shook his head. "I am partly to blame for it. I never encouraged the four of you to go out into the world and meet new people because I wanted to keep our identities secret. So, it came as no surprise to me when I found out some of you had begun developing feelings toward one another. I know it is not something easily discussed, so I did not expect any of you to come to me. I felt this was something you would need to sort out by yourselves, Leonardo."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing – Sensei was okay with his sons fucking one another? I think he'd finally gone senile. As I sat before my master with my jaw hanging open in confusion, he placed his and upon my head. "You are troubled by your own feelings, my son. I can see it in your eyes."

"H-How did you know?", I asked hesitantly.

"Leonardo, I've raised the four of you since you were babies. I can tell when something is disturbing one of you. Do not think any of you can pull a fast one over this old rat."

I looked up at Sensei. "So, you don't think less of me because of the way I feel?"

He kept his expression firm, yet somehow caring. "Of course not, my son. My main concern is that you get your troubles sorted out because you are violating the code of the ninja by mercilessly killing people."

There was a bit of a hiatus before Sensei stood up before me. "So…if you are having feelings toward one of your brothers, you should talk to them about it and get it off your chest."

My fists were clenched to my sides – I was feeling that god-awful heartache again. I choked back a sob and looked up at Sensei. "But Master…he loves Raph, not me."

"Leonardo, this isn't about being with the person; this is about admitting what you feel to the person you feel these things toward. It will be up to him to decide whom he wants to be with."

I sighed. "I…just worry this is going to cause a lot of animosity between all of us. And I don't want to destroy our family, Master."

"My son, trust me when I say that nothing will rip you all apart. The four of you are part of a greater whole that cannot remain whole if one is missing."

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I was absolutely stunned…not only was Sensei tolerant of my loving my brother, but he was encouraging me to tell Donny how I felt. I sat there in awe for a few moments, and suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of sadness come over me. For the first time in my life, I broke down in front of Sensei. "Oh Master…I'm so sorry for being so weak. I don't deserve to be the leader in this family."

Sensei had gone to the center of the room to meditate. Before assuming his typical position, he looked up at me one more time. "Leonardo, there is a difference between physical weakness and emotional weakness, and I would never hold the latter against any of you when the suffering is being caused by an aching heart. Now go, my son."

He closed his eyes and began his meditation, which I took as my cue to leave him be. Sensei is a sage old rat – he'd never led any of us down the wrong path, so I felt as though I could trust his advice. However, my hope in his judgment did not serve in lessening the anxiety I felt about revealing my feelings to Donny. I realized Donny was rather understanding, but I worried that he may develop ill feelings toward me since I would be divulging my secret to him only after he told me about his love for Raphael.

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**_Author's Note:_** Told you it would be longer. I will admit that Leo is my least favorite of the four turtles, so that may be why he's so uncharacteristically emotional - _oops_. And perhaps Splinter is a little...too tolerant. Oh well. 


	3. Chapter 3: Telling Donny the Truth

**Clandestine**

_Chapter 3: Telling Donny the Truth_

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I milled over how to tell Donny how I feel without thoroughly freaking him out, and it definitely was no effortless task. If he felt half this pain just mustering up the courage to share his secret with me, he has strength beyond what I ever imagined anyone could have. I could handle physical challenges just fine, but when it came to emotional distress…well, that's something I can't handle with quite as much ease. Sitting on the couch, I stared at the floor and wondered how the hell I was going to break this to Donny. Then I heard a cheery voice echoing throughout the sewer – Mikey just got home from work. I decided to retreat to my room, lest I get interrogated. I didn't know if Mikey was having homosexual urges toward any of us, and I didn't want to freak him out if I confided my secret in him first. Unfortunately, he came in as I just got through my door, and he bounded up to me like a puppy to its master.

"Hey bro!"

"Hi Mikey", I mumbled listlessly without even turning around to look at him. I wasn't trying to be mean, but I know Mikey can be kind of dense at times and I figured the only way to get it through his head that I wanted to alone would be to give him the cold shoulder.

He tossed his skateboard on the kitchen table and continued to talk. "Hey Leo, are you…umm…feelin' okay? You've been actin' kinda...aggressive lately."

I could practically taste the uneasiness in his voice – I'd been so angry lately over Donny and Raph that I'd actually been scaring my little brother with my behavior. I think he was scared I'd lash out at him, and the worst part is I was scared of that too. I'd been so unstable the past week that I'm surprised I didn't scream at Donny or Mikey.

I sighed. "I'm okay, Mikey. I just have something on my mind that's bugging me."

"Have you talked to Master Splinter about it?"

I took a seat at the table – something told me Mikey would want to sit and talk. "Yes, and he did make me feel a little better". Mikey nodded, and I went on. "Look Mikey…I'm…I'm sorry if I've been a jerk for the past few days, especially if I've been one to you. I'm not angry at you – just kind of mad at myself."

"Dude, it's okay. We all get like that when we're mad. But you sure you're gonna be okay, Leo? Can I do anything to help?"

I shook my head. "No – it's something I have to deal with alone. But thanks". Mikey wouldn't understand this – he's kind of clueless when it comes to love in general, let alone gay love. Mikey shrugged and went to his room, probably to play video games. Once he'd disappeared, I reclined into the stiff cushions of the couch. I had so many fears running through my head – I worried Donny would be upset with me or he'd think less of me, I worried Raph would confront me about it or go and tell everyone about gay Leo. And I worried that all my brothers in general would think of me as being weak for feeling this way. And this is a large problem because I try my best to be a good role model for my brothers, especially young Michelangelo. Plus, what if the public found out? We wouldn't be taken seriously if any people found out I was gay. Come on, this is New York – we'd get laughed right out of the state if anyone found out the leader of the crime-fighting Ninja Turtles was a fag. No wonder Sensei didn't encourage us to find love - it's harder to deal with than our training!

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It was extremely late at night a couple days later when Donny came home from his shift, and I knew the longer I held off on telling him my secret, the harder it was going to be to cope, and I would probably continue to take my anger out on others. I sat out on the couch, yet again, and waited for him to come home, my heart pounding with trepidation. The door creaked open and Donny dragged himself inside – I could tell he was pretty tired.

"Hi Donny", I stammered nonchalantly.

"Leo? Gosh, you're never up this late", he was surprised.

I drummed my fingers together nervously. "I know, but I was waiting for you to get home."

He came and sat down in the arm chair beside me, looking slightly perplexed. "You were? Did I do something wrong?"

I continued to fidget like a child. "No – I just…I really need to talk to you."

He leaned forward, looking both concerned and curious. "Is everything all right, Leo? You've been very violent lately – it's not like you, and I've been getting worried."

"That's what I want to talk to you about, Donny. Not necessarily my violent behavior, but what's causing me to act that way."

My heart pulsed with fear and I buried my face in my hands, trying to find the strength to tell him what was on my mind. He placed his hand gently on my back. "Leo, just relax. Whatever it is, I'm here to listen."

I sighed heavily and sadly – now I understand the torment Donny had to endure when telling his secret to me. The only difference between that situation and this one was Donny first came and told someone whom he wasn't crushing on before telling the one he was in love with. I, conversely, was going immediately to the cause of my heartache, and it was so difficult.

Donny got up and sat beside me on the couch. And in a tone so placid and unnatural to my brother, he said, "You love Raph too, don't you?"

If I had hair on the back of my neck, it would have stood up at that moment. I pretty much hated Raph, but I can understand why Donny reached that conclusion. "No…it's not Raph."

"…Mikey?"

I just shook my head; I think upon hearing me saying it wasn't Raphael whom I loved, Donny immediately knew I was talking about him, but I probably made him nervous, hence leading him to ask about Michelangelo. I heard him shudder lightly – not out of fear, and not out of disgust. But, perhaps, just out of confusion. The arm he had around me never budged; on the contrary, he held me closer.

"Leo, how long have you felt this way?"

I swallowed hard. "Years. I just couldn't bring myself to admit it to you because I was absolutely mortified that I felt this way toward my own brother. And then you came to me and told me you loved Raph…and that's what really twisted the knife in the wound."

Donatello didn't seem upset in the least. "God, I really had no idea you felt that way toward me, Leo. I just…I don't know what to say."

I sniffled, feeling my heart breaking a little bit more. "It's okay. I figured you didn't feel that way toward me. But I just had to get this out of my system – it was making me crazy. I just hope this won't cause problems between you and Raph."

He said nothing – just sat and looked at me. My fists were shaking as I tried to fight back my tears; no pain could ever compare with watching the one you love go and love someone else. I didn't want to be in the room and have Donny see me so broken up, nor did I want to cry and risk waking my brothers or Sensei. Without a second thought, I got up and went to the door. I just wanted to get out of the house – I felt evil. I felt as though I was trying to take Donny from the one he loves. I felt totally rotten and I needed to be anywhere but in that house, so out I went without taking another look at Donny.

"Leo, come back! Please don't go!"

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**_Author's Note:_** Aw, poor Leo got shot down.


	4. Chapter 4: Reprieve and a New Secret

**Clandestine**

_Chapter 4: Reprieve and a New Secret

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Not even beseeching from the one I loved would stop me. I wasn't going to leave for good, but I had to have time alone. Running like a bat out of hell through the city, I rushed to the rooftop of a particular building where I sometimes snuck out to so I'd have time and space to think. It was in one of the corners of the rooftop where I planted myself and just let my sorrow flow out of me – I cried, I screamed and I pounded the surface beneath me. I didn't want to let anyone I knew see me in such a broken emotional state; never in all my life would I have guessed that this kind of pain would hurt so terribly, and it's a feeling I would never ever wish on anyone else – not even Raph, as much as I hated him at that moment.

I had no idea how long I'd been screaming, but I eventually tired myself out. My throat was sore and my hands had grown a bit tender from hitting the rough-textured roof, and I can't even describe how awful the pain in my face was. Getting punched with brass knuckles would have hurt less than this. I was a complete wreck and, worst of all, I felt alone; I didn't have the arms of the one I love to fall into like Donny had. As I sat and brooded like a moody teenager, I heard the sound of creaking going through the roof – someone was walking toward me, but I honestly didn't care who or what it was.

The shadow cast by this mysterious individual hovered over me, and I didn't care enough to look and see who it was. That is, of course, until I heard them speak.

"Goddammit, stop ignorin' me Leo!", I heard in a thick New York accent.

My eyes bolted open and my head went straight up. "Raph?? How'd you find me?", I asked through a broken voice.

"I've known you come here for a while now, Leo."

I diverted my eyes to the wall beside me – just anywhere that wasn't at my brother. He was knelt in front of me. "I heard what you and Donny were talkin' about back at home."

This was definitely not going to be pretty; I was already two seconds away from killing that asshole without this added torment. "Raph…if you came here to berate me about that, I swear to God I'll fucking kill you where you stand. You've got the one you love, so just leave me the hell alone." My voice was so ominous that it frightened even me.

"Is this why you've been so fuckin' mean to me the past week?"

At that point, I was irritated merely by my brother's presence…but I simply nodded at him. It took so much strength to keep myself from strangling him. The acrimony I felt toward him at that moment was too powerful for me to put into words. I was just waiting for him to start mouthing off to me – I was prepared to slit that bastard's throat, damned be what Sensei said.

My body was shaking and I still refused to look up at my brother. He didn't reach out and touch me or try to be too friendly because he most likely knew I was going to snap. He was quiet for quite a long time, but he eventually spoke. "Leo…I know you hate me right now, and I didn't come up here to rub this in your face."

I snorted at him, and he went on, trying his damnedest to sound sympathetic; I knew he was being sincere, but sounding like he is such is something he hasn't quite mastered yet. "I know you're mad and want to be alone, but I came up here just to say one thing." He paused. "It…it takes a lot to admit to someone that you love them…especially when that person is your brother. You prob'ly won't believe me...but I think what you did back there was very brave."

My mood softened a little bit – this was something I thought I'd never hear from Raphael, of all people. I blinked curiously and looked him in the eyes. "You really think that?"

"Yeah. I could never have gone up to Donny and told him how I felt…makin' the first move, I mean."

"This…isn't going to come between you and Donny, is it? As much as I love him, I don't want to cause him sadness because of my feelings", I asked, sniffling.

"Don't worry – nothing's going to change between him and I."

I smiled – part of me was happy that I would not be responsible for tearing my brother form the one he loved, but the other part of me was a bit sad knowing Donny and Raph were going to remain together. Wiping the dried tears away, I stood up and looked at my brother. "Raph…can you forgive me for being a jerk to you? I mean, my being so more than usual?"

"Yeah sure – I understand why you were mad. But this don't mean we're gonna be all nicey-nice to one another all the time", and with that he gave me a light hug.

I laughed. "Of course not. It wouldn't be the same around the den without you being up in my face about everything". Okay, so things wouldn't be perfect between Raph and I, but I don't think I'd want it different. I guess I've grown so used to the two of us fighting that…well…the fights are what constitute completion in our home. I was still upset over what went on with Donny, but I got my angry brother back; I could only hope I'd be capable of dealing with my feelings for Donny and knowing he and Raph were together. Before we left the rooftop, I got an idea and smiled smugly at my brother.

"You know Raph…Splinter knows what you and Donny are doing", I said, acting and feeling totally self-satisfied in busting Raph's hump.

He stopped in his tracks for a moment, and then turned to me with an equally smug grin and replied, "You know Leo…Mikey told me he has a crush on you", and continued walking toward the elevator shaft, leaving me standing frozen and in a cloud of astonishment. This day was just getting better and better.

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**THE END**

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**_Author's Note:_** Leo didn't get the one he loved, but he found out someone's got their eye on him. Go figure XD. Thanks everyone for reading, and all the Favourites. I feel special :). Also, I have no idea if there will be a sequel to this one or not.


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